{Warning, this is not a warm and fuzzy post.}
My mid-thirties has been a time of self discovery. I finally have the confidence and the "I don't care about your opinion of me"attitude that allows unbridled creativity and exploration. I recognize that I am the only person that can make me happy, but right now, I'm also responsible for two growing, beautiful, healthy children...and in complete honesty? Some days I wish I could walk away, even if just for a day. Just for a moment of quiet. A moment of no one interrupting the slim chances I have at a good idea or thought. A chance to actually remember the item I went to go get when I actually arrive at it's location, because there weren't two littles asking me a million questions along the way there. I crave peace and space to find out who I am, since I spent all of my life thus far being what I thought others wanted me to be or what I thought I had to be in order to be loved and accepted. But I gotta tell ya, "finding" yourself when you're raising babies is not the most ideal timing. It's a real conflict of interest and it seriously bums me out...mostly because I don't know how to reconcile and balance each part of my "identity."
On a down-in-the dumps evening, after a long day of struggling in my role as a mom (and not doing it well...like, at all), I sat down with a glass of wine, and an unexpected poem just poured out of me. I assure you that am not a poet, nor do I claim to be. And obviously I was feeling a tad sorry for myself, and probably lonely and unsupported in that moment, but hey, we all have our low points right? These are the words that I wrote through tears and a sad attempt at some relief by being slightly buzzed (which I'm not sure if that hurt or helped):
It's OK to have crappy days. It's OK to admit that this motherhood thing is not all rainbows and butterflies. I have no time for women who mom-shame or pretend that being a mom is the most magical thing in the whole world. Of course yes, it's magical SOMETIMES, maybe even a lot of the times, and thankfully those moments outweigh the gut-wrenching, mind-blowing frustrating ones...thank goodness for that. But come on lady, we all know you lose your shit and yell at your kids like the rest of us. We all have our limits, our lines in the sand that our kids instinctively sense, and our babies are the ultimate tide. We lose it when those lines are crossed, make mistakes and say sorry. Yes you too "perfect" mom.
So my hope with this post is not for pity or to bash the choice of being a mom. I just sincerely hope that it helps someone else feel less alone. Or less like a fraud because you may believe that you have to be finding joy in every moment of this wild, roller-coster mom-ride. Because I'm here to tell you, motherhood is just like everything else in life: it rains some days so we appreciate the sunny ones.
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